Apparently crime in Melbourne is so bad people are fleeing to Queensland. Have fun up there

After months of complaining that crime in Melbourne is so bad that he’s going to move to Queensland, veteran entertainment reporter Peter Ford this week packed his royal family scrapbooks and fled to the Gold Coast.

Shattered. I missed the ceremonial glitter cannon that was surely fired at Tulla as Pete left – but there’s still time, I hope, to reason with the man.

Peter. Darl. You’ve made your name being someone up with the latest in your decades on radio and TV. So it’s madly not on brand to make an unfashionable move.

Yep. You’ve gone north just when it’s off the boil.

There’s been rumours for years everyone in Melbourne is moving to Queensland because Victoria’s so shit. But new ABS population data shows south-east Queensland’s interstate migration has dropped by more than 40 per cent from 2021 to 2025.

Greater Melbourne’s net migration went up by 112 per cent in those four years. 8500 people left Melbourne in 2024-25. 81,000 arrived.

Pete, we won’t get bogged down with stats that rub it in that Queensland, and thus potentially you, aren’t cool. You can look them up later.

Let’s do a visualising exercise instead. Shut your eyes, think of Queensland. What’s top of mind, apart from Lisa Curry-Kenny, Grant Kenny and Dreamworld’s Kenny Koala?

Sure – the fabled Queensland weather. Beautiful one day, perfect the next.

Give us a spell.

We’ve all had enough disappointing holidays to know Queensland weather is a melange of extremes. Cyclonic winds, humidity that makes hair so frizzy even Stefan can’t fix it, biblical downpours that saw Kevin Rudd carry a tapestry suitcase on his head through a city flood.

Then there’s the snakes, giant spiders, unkillable cockroaches. The fact that Queensland is never bloody finished. Roadworks everywhere. And it’s the epicentre of One Nation.

The deplorable fashion: white capris with Merrells and nude-coloured yoga pants that go up your clack, worn all day. Unironic cowboy hats. Men in both shorts and short-sleeved tops at night. No good.

The only glimmer of light: lunchtime line dancing at the sports clubs. How good.

Maybe I’m both too old and too young to “get” Queensland, where everyone is either 20 or has just months to live. Time for anecdotal research. Our daughter lived in Brisbane and on the Goldie for a few years for work. She texts her perspectives.

“Pros: warmth, beaches, theme parks. Cons: Everything else lolllll. The food/pubs. Zero culture. The architecture. Casual racism and homophobia.”

All of which means Peter might have to import some Melbourne chic into the Goldie. Turn things around. But first, he could be grappling with whether he’s moved on a false premise.

As per the Herald Sun, he left Melbourne because crime is a “big problem” and the city has “issues that need to be fixed”. He was “disgusted” after five break-ins at his house, and said: “I don’t want to walk over people to get to Coles.”

Fair. Perhaps he should have moved house. But also perhaps an awkward case of out of the frying pan and into a rampaging bushfire.

Quick circling back to the stats: sorry to disappoint Pete, but ABS data from 2025 shows Queensland has a higher crime rate for theft, assault, property damage and, ah, unlawful entry (that’s house burgs for the viewers at home). Hardly a witness-protection upgrade.

A Melburnian by birth, my big sister moved to the Gold Coast nearly 40 years ago. On the phone, I read her Peter’s thoughts about fleeing crime-besieged Melbs for a “bright, sunny new chapter”.

Lou laughs grimly: “I’ve got news for you, buddy.”

Her eldest daughter and son-in-law are GC cops so she’s clued into general crime. And a couple of months ago machete-wielding youths attacked a house in her street at 3am. Sound familiar, Peter?

“That’s everywhere now on the Goldie. Kids getting into houses, stealing cars. If my kids and grandkids weren’t here, I’d leave. I used to love it. Now it’s a horror show.”

It’s not just crime, says Lou. Traffic is impossible. Soaring house and rental prices have seen “little tent cities taking over the Burleigh foreshore. Homeless families are living in the parks because there’s no rentals. Terrible.”

Peter, hopefully you’ve locked down a high-rise crib safe from rowdy teens. But Cavill Ave might be off limits after dark. When you’re ready to be on trend again, come back. We’ll leave the security light on.

Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.

The Opinion newsletter is a weekly wrap of views that will challenge, champion and inform your own. Sign up here.